For many, Mother’s Day is about celebration — a day when the roles are reversed and children are meant to let their mothers know just how much they mean to them.
But for the estimated one in 10 mothers who have suffered a miscarriage or lost a child, the day is often one of grief.
“There’s the moms that get to hold their baby in their arms, and the joy and the messy breakfast in bed, and all that stuff you see on cards and on posters — the symbolic, typical Mother’s Day. But for those of us who have had a loss, Mother’s Day can be very difficult,” says Nancy Slinn, coordinator of the Metro Vancouver Empty Cradle Bereaved Parents Society.
Slinn became pregnant the first time she and her husband Peter tried in 1988 and thought it would be easy to have more children. But in the years that followed, they suffered through two miscarriages, a surgery, and then, a stillbirth.
“I can still remember every detail of all my losses, especially the day that we lost our stillborn daughter,” Slinn says, speaking from her home in New Westminster, B.C.
“I still grieve for them. It’s a different kind of loss now, all these years later, but it’s still there. The pain never really goes away.”
In Canada, almost 100,000 couples every year lose a child sometime in the period between becoming pregnant and the first six weeks of their baby’s life, according to the Centre for Studies and Research on Family Health Intervention.
For some mothers, that means suffering one loss in their lifetime, but others, like Slinn, will endure numerous miscarriages or infant deaths.
“Losing a baby at any stage and for any reason is one of life’s most devastating experiences. Not only have you lost the physical baby, but also all the hopes, dreams and plans you had already begun to create for that child since you knew of their existence,” Slinn says.
It’s one of the most common kinds of loss people experience, says Heather Mohan, a grief counsellor and co-founder of Lumara Bereavement, a non-profit based in Parksville, B.C., about 150 kilometres northwest of Victoria. It’s also one of the least talked about.
“I think there is a lot of silence because people are not sure how to talk about it, not sure how to approach it.”
The result is that parents often feel invisible in their grief, Mohan says.
“And consequently, when something is invisible, there’s not corresponding funding or services to provide supports or programs, because nobody has identified it as an issue or as a problem.”
On Mother’s Day, that sense of invisibility and isolation can feel particularly strong because while these women will always be mothers, not everyone will know or recognize it, Mohan says.
And while people’s instinct may be to ignore the topic altogether to avoid causing a loved one pain, she says that is likely the opposite of what mothers need.
“I can reassure you, you’re not bringing up something that they’re not already thinking about, particularly on a day like this when mothers are being honoured and celebrated.”
Slinn says in her experience, the best thing people can do is ask mothers directly how they want the day honoured.
“Because some people will say: ‘Oh, no, I just want to crawl in bed and stay under the sheets.’ And some people will say: ‘I’m still a mom, regardless of the fact that my baby lives in my heart, not in my arms.'”
Across Canada, bereavement leave is minimal and very few supports exist for parents grieving a child’s death. But a private member’s bill introduced by Langley-Willowbrook MLA Jody Toor earlier this year in B.C. looks to establish perinatal and postnatal mental health care in the province, including for parents who have experienced a miscarriage or infant death.
So far, the bill has received strong support from legislators through a first and second reading of it, but will need to make it through a committee and report stage, as well as a third reading before being passed into law. The next stages have not been scheduled yet.
Toor was not immediately available for comment on the bill.
“We’re very hopeful that something positive will come out of this,” Mohan says.
In the meantime, groups like Lumara Bereavement and Empty Cradle continue to offer grief supports as best they can.
